Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)

Love-takes…on Thanksgiving

11/22/201101/17/2012by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)12 Comments

From the time I can remember, I’ve always insisted on going against the grain. I’ve never liked doing things within the norms of tradition because that would be so predictable, plus I don’t want to create any expectations. 🙂 So I figured why wait to write about love on my wedding anniversary, which is more than a half-year away, when I can write about it on Thanksgiving or thereabouts, because after all, it is just the thing for which I am most thankful. I know…it makes complete sense to me too.

After seventeen years of being coupled and nearly fifteen years of being married, I’m still amazed at the lessons that Love teaches me. They are several, and even while many of us know them at our core, I think that these, in particular, bear repeating:

Love takes no less than everything.
Seriously, just when you think you’ve got it covered, you have to turn it up a notch or fine-tune it to keep it running like clockwork. However, unlike clockwork, it needs more than regularity and sameness. It needs spontaneity and diversity. Who enjoys taking the same route, after fifteen days, let alone seventeen years? Frequenting a different café or rendering an occasional surprise from time to time changes things up a bit. And, who knows? It might even be fun!

Love is not all about you! Don’t say I didn’t tell you.
Love takes an ongoing divestment of self, and submission of pride or haughtiness, to not constantly argue or be combative. Naturally, this is a lot easier when your significant other has a good track record of having your best interest at heart.

Love requires more than him saying “Yes, dear”.
Love also requires your voice. Say “Yes siree, Bob!” sometimes, even when you don’t mean it. Say “yeah, ok” or something along those lines, and keep it moving for Peace’s sake! Some battles just ain’t worth it, I say. There are some matters that men just won’t understand, no matter how hard you try, or how compassionate or brilliant they are…and that’s really okay. Really, it is. You can get him on the next go-round! Booya baby! 🙂

In love, intimacy means more than sex.
All joking aside, real intimacy happens when there is more than just horizontal alignment; it occurs when two people are aligned in financial and spiritual matters, including long-term goal setting, parenting (if applicable), and life dreams. That isn’t to say that we must agree on everything, but it does mean that fundamentally, our values are compatible enough to allow us to grow in meaningful and sustaining ways.

Lauryn Hill captured it best when she said, “Fantasy is what we want, but reality is what we need”. The same is true about our impressions and expectations about Love. Real love lies beyond the fantastical and far beyond the horizon of any fairy tale, so I’ll take my hubby even after our worst days, when everything feels anything but right, and certainly after I’ve realized that I can no longer remember what it is we were arguing about in the first place.

Love wasn’t designed to be perfect, static, or untested. Rather, love is ever-changing and challenging, yet remarkably beautiful and worthy of obtaining. Yes, love takes us into an orbit beyond our comprehension, and into a place for which no amount of previous navigation prepares us. It takes us to a place where our egos are suppressed, sometimes against our will; but in the long run, we emerge better for the indelible impression it makes on us.

Sorry Adele, you’re my girl and all, but I’m writing the lines this time. Sometimes it hurts in love, but somehow, it lasts instead! So, maybe I will give hubby his birthday present on Thanksgiving after all! 🙂

I’d love to hear about your love-takes, or how love has affected you in a way that you don’t mind sharing. Come on, indulge me!

More Love-takes for your listening pleasure:

Comes Love, rendition by the late, great Lady Day aka Billie Holiday
Love Rain, waxed poetically by the lovely Jill(y) Scott from Philly

Children, Mother & Daughter, On Traditions

Have Her Cake…

05/24/201101/30/2012by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)14 Comments

The more I get in touch with who I am, the more I am convicted about how I should invest my time, energy, and money. As the birthdays of my daughters loomed on the horizon, I considered how we would celebrate them this year. The birthday parties of last year and the year before just couldn’t be done, as they entailed more planning, labor, and finances than I cared to invest this year. We would have to take it down a notch, and scale back financially. As I became more attuned to Spirit, I realized that we needed to do something differently, even if it meant a lower-key celebration than in years past; however, I struggled to balance the warning to heed my own inner voice and the desire to give my daughters a special birthday celebration.

I considered various plug-and-pay (oops, I mean “play”) places and venues that cater primarily to children: Chuck E. Cheese, inflatable amusement parks, and other such operations designed to make it “simple” to celebrate the guest of honor. Inarguably, those places are strictly for kids, but adults hate them almost as much as kids love them. The food is usually meager, and tastes just okay, it’s loud as hell, and if there are kiddie areas, they usually feature ball-pits or shared apparatus that are cesspools for viruses. The smaller kids get stomped by the bigger kids, who know good and well that they have no business occupying the little kiddie areas. Then to add insult to injury, adults are subjected to a frenzy of antsy children eager to redeem tickets for some cheap dollar store chotchkes. Parents wait impatiently, arms teeming with children’s gear and goodie bags, and when it’s over, everyone swears that it will be a while before signing up for this mess again! As much as I’ve come to despise these places for their success at sucking us in, they were options worth considering, particularly during this period which my dear friend calls “forced convalescing”; nonetheless, I just couldn’t bring myself to prepare for a stampede of unruly children or for playing musical rooms. Not exactly what I had in mind!

Conversely, I also wanted to steer away from a celebration where the focus becomes more about entertaining the adults. The poor birthday child (if you can find her) keeps asking “Mom, when can we cut the cake, when can we open my presents?” “Not now baby, we’re still waiting for Cousin Lester to come.” LOL!! The adults are drinking it up, listening to grown-folks music, probably well on their second helping of food already, and there is nothing else for the children to do but pester the adults. I also wanted to avoid a celebration that was too over the top, or required too many moving parts. I’ve found that in those instances, both the birthday child and parents are overwhelmed. Though my physical limitations were enough of a reason to reel the party in a bit, my conscience screamed even more loudly, “less is more, party-girl!” In the bigger scheme of things, it mattered little to my daughters how much I spent on their birthday parties or where I chose to have them. The decision was mine to make.

When our youngest daughter’s birthday came about on May 16th, I suggested to my husband that we invite four or five of her friends, do one craft activity, have a light bite, and follow with cake and ice cream. It seemed easy enough, or so I thought. I would order the cake, and coordinate the activity while perched at the kitchen table, with my feet propped up on a chair. My husband was perplexed and said “Whoa! Slow your roll, butterfly!” He insisted that I was already getting way ahead of myself, given that I was just closing in on my second week after major invasive surgery. So instead, we agreed to extend our small family celebration to just one other family with children close in age that could also enjoy the same experience.

Needless to say, my little ladybug’s “party” turned out to be a beautiful and special celebration! I soaked it all in as I watched my birthday girl dance with her friend and sister, to Katy Perry’s “Firework” (their girls’ empowerment anthem), and “Four Boys Named Jordan”. Of course, I had to put on “Single Ladies”, by special request, for the birthday girl. (I’m still not sure why that song is so infectious among such young children.) They danced, played, laughed, spun, fell out, and giggled as they held hands and caught glimpses of their reflections in the oven door. Unlike previous birthday parties, I did not have to corral a herd of children, or tend to a burdensome list of items. This time, I was fully present. After cutting the cake and opening her cards and presents, she very contentedly remarked, “my birthday party is over, Mom…I had fun!” Our one guest family packed up to return home, while we picked up what little there was to pick up, and quietly retired for the evening. Our little birthday girl was ready to call it a night without being exhausted or over stimulated. When it was all over, I was thankful to have had a simple affair, as it brought pure enjoyment to the one who matters most…our youngest birthday girl.

I’m not sure how we’ll celebrate our oldest daughter’s birthday yet (May 25th), but whatever we do will be beautiful and special. At minimum, it will reflect simplicity, and my desire to “take back” and re-inject our own meaning into birthdays and other family festivities where going overboard will no longer be the norm.

Don’t worry….my daughters will certainly have their cake, but I’ll eat it too!

Some more “healthy” inspiration:
– “Hands“, by Jewel
– “Firework“, by Katy Perry

Life, On Love, On Sisterhood

I am GreatFull!

05/06/201101/30/2012by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)2 Comments

My life is active and full as a wife, stay-at-home mother of three precocious, active children, cook, laundress (or washerwoman, as they used to say back in the day), chauffeur, homework helper, literary champion, nutritionist, lullaby master, wardrobe composer, and part-time fitness instructor. These are just a few of the hats that I normally get to wear.

So when I went in for surgery this past Monday, I was reminded that I would have to depend on others to fill in where I cannot. This sometimes makes me feel limited and inadequate, especially as I recuperate at home, albeit slowly, at least according to my standards. Believe it or not, my mind is even more active than my body, as I am always thinking of what’s “next” on the agenda. Who needs what? What needs to be done now? Balancing the needs of the day while being prepared for what’s up ahead is something that I’m used to doing. Hence, the realization that I don’t have the luxury of doing things “my way” during this time is alarming. Nonetheless, I must keep in mind that I am not sick. Rather, I am being restored; healing; being made well. Through these lenses, I am thankful for the mental reprieve, as well as the physical rest that is necessary for this restoration. I am Grateful!

Did I expect 5K readiness straight out the gate? Of course not, but I certainly was not ready to admit that I could not carry on with “business as usual”, or to hear about the levels of healing required for “complete” wellness. On a deeper level, however, I knew that I had to trust, that in order to be fully well, I had to also give up something, even if only for part of the time. Moreover, I needed to take comfort in knowing that, I am at least in a position to get the help that I need, from Angels near and far. These friends and neighbors, surprisingly, have become a new type of family that extends beyond bloodline. They help me in a multitude of ways, especially with our children, and I fully recognize that, that in itself is a privilege. I am more than grateful…I am GreatFull!

Apparently, the road to restoration is a humbling one. Paved with personal, life-altering encounters; adorned with admissions of vulnerability and limitations; bespeckled with blessings from a newly defined community of family, neighbors, and my sistah/gal network; and decorated with dollops of delight (sweet kisses on the brow and hugs from my sweethearts, though “only on the legs” for fear of “not squeezing Mommy too hard”); it is definitely a scenic route, one well worth the journey. Despite its power to slow me down, I am pleasantly amazed by some familiar stops along the way. The sun still rises to greet me in the morning, and I am still able to usher in its light. I still get to witness the shifting winds, though I don’t get to walk in them, and I still get to marvel at the displays of new life as Spring magically sprinkles its colors in spaces that before seemed to lack life or vibrancy. I am GreatFull…Still.

Healthy Inspiration on the Subject:
BlogTalkRadio The Empowerment Place: “You’re Stronger Than You Think”, with Valerie Burwell

Children, Life, On Love, On Traditions

When The Easter Bunny Comes

04/24/201101/17/2012by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)3 Comments

“Is the world a better place with the Easter bunny?” Damn skippy, it is! 🙂

In fact, Easter for me has always been an important time, mostly because it comes at a time when new life springs forth, and what was once dormant becomes resurrected. Life resurfaces in all of nature. Flowers bloom, trees fill in with leaves and fruit, and neighbors reveal their previously hibernated smiles covered by winter scarves and hiked-up collars. So, although much of what comes with Easter seems to have a very commercial focus these days, I say “Let’s hear it for the Easter Bunny! Woohoo!”

As far as I’m concerned, the presence of the Easter Bunny is not about debating the legitimacy of Easter, or whether it’s a pagan holiday, but about making people happy. At least in this household, the Easter Bunny is all about the smiles that I see on my children’s faces when they enter the household, and find that an assortment of fun surprises await them, with accompanying, personalized notes. Though they never talk or inquire about the Easter Bunny before Easter, they’re taken off-guard every time “he” makes a visit. (I happen to know this Easter Bunny very intimately, and how much he cares about making children happier.)

Perhaps there is little excitement beforehand because we don’t talk about Easter, per se. Rather than spending time discussing religious differences or practices, we strive to teach, and live out, the commonalities that define us all, even during a highly regarded, religious holiday such as Easter. These include themes such as renewal (new life, babies, flowers, trees, more abundant sunshine), restoration (healing, repair), revival (celebration/ injection of new life), vivacity (life itself), and the audacity of life itself – its boldness to dare spring anew again after such dormancy. Even children can embrace these concepts. In this same manner, we embrace the Easter Bunny’s regularity and attentiveness to bringing smiles and contentment, ultimately creating indelible childhood memories that will last them a lifetime.

So Easter isn’t as much about candy, or even the Easter Bunny, but about the occasion itself – one for joining with families, or friends that are like family, during the earliest part of Spring, when the air is warmer, clothes are lighter, and summer fun is closer within reach. With the palpable anticipation of more outdoor fun spent with friends and family, the appreciation for life itself, seems new. So breaking bread to welcome the season and restore hearts after a long drawn-out winter seems like only the right thing to do; with family and friends…and of course, my Easter Bunny! 🙂

“Let’s Hear it For the Boy”, Deniece Williams

Children, Life, On Love

Check Contents Before Opening

04/21/201104/21/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)Leave a Comment

Every morning, I do a once-over of the children before they depart for school, and make sure they look solid. Before I consider them fully inspected, I give them that one last look from head to toe to confirm no hairs out of place; clean corners at the mouth; smooth, unbent collars; fully zipped coats; smiles all aglow; and covered necks and chests. “Child, don’t be taking no chances with this weather…can’t be coming down with a chest cold!” (Now say it in the most southern twang you can muster.) 😮 I’m beginning to sound like somebody’s grandma…probably got it from somebody’s grandma! Inspection now complete, they walk off, and I’m assured that they are all set.

Once they leave, I settle into the domestic affairs of cleaning off the table and counters, and putting away cereal boxes and orange juice. My eye catches hold of a small pile of school papers which contains unsigned permission slips and school announcements, some now moot because of past deadlines. These were all from only one of their backpacks, seemingly from a few days ago. How did I miss that? They probably snuck that past me, I thought. Darn it, I forgot to check the inside of their bags…again! It occurs to me that I haven’t personally checked the inside of their backpacks in quite some time. I’ve trusted their little growing independent selves to handle this aspect of their organization, dismissing the fact that they may need a little help along the way.

In fact, I haven’t been checking on the inside of much, as of lately. Ouch! I consider the question of how often we check on the inside. Sometimes, my steady auto-pilot feature is so engaged, that I don’t do due diligence to my total self by checking on the inside, so by all appearances, it all appears well. This small example of not checking my children’s backpacks is a microcosm of our avoidance to thoroughly check the inside, and sift through the contents of our personal selves. By all appearances, we appear well, but beneath, lies an emergent self that is steadily evolving as it navigates through life and seeks to apply the wisdom gained over the years. It busily trods through life, hoping to present itself better, stronger, more equipped for the race with each new day, yet, it is bombarded with numerous messages, of things unattended, and of stories untold.

Left unchecked, this emergent self carries its ramblings, notions, musings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and epiphanies under wraps, sealed, to be released probably never, and most certainly, too infrequently. Occasionally however, there is a need to check its contents. A thorough inspection is required to ensure that we have what we need when we need it. We may very well need to review its contents; discard what’s no longer useful, and replenish what’s needed. In my children’s backpack, it was the announcement of the school’s new SMARTboards, a middle school parent orientation, and a May field trip (which thankfully, I will submit in time). In a broader sense, however, a review might indicate that our priorities are in need of reorganization. It might be the realization that we haven’t tended to matters of the heart. It may be the acknowledgment that we need to nurture some personal connections, rest, or are on “to-do” overload, or that our bodies are lacking some key nutrients, exercise, and quality down-time. Perhaps life has become so routine and formal, so deadline-driven; but within, we are in need of some organization, prioritization, and yes, fixation…on the inside.

Check the contents not only to find what’s missing, but to also celebrate what’s in place; what you deem most important, what you’ve insisted on carrying, what propels you. Perhaps those things are glaringly evident, indicating that you are right where you need to be. Celebrate that as well, that you may give yourself permission to occasionally mess up on those things that show up on the outside. If your personal house – your very essence, your compassion, your storehouses of love, generosity, the very inner hearkenings of your heart, talent, art, ministry, gifts – is in order, who cares what everyone else sees? Only you know the hard work that you put in to get it that way. Pack carefully, but don’t keep piling it on. Streamline often, to avoid getting bogged down by dead weight. Broom the crap, and groom the rest! Write the stories, and get it out one way or the other. Unleash the uneasiness that comes from avoiding what’s inside, and take joy in seeing it morph into tangible action. Experience the sweet joy that springs forth from releasing the pent-up frustration and seeming inability to move forward on said project, or action item. Eliminate those things that add no value to what you say is most important to you – your values, your core, your master plan! Cultivate and enhance only the keepsakes – those contents worthy of keeping – that you may rightfully grow into that beautiful beyond-emergent self, from the inside out!!

And now, for some musical inspiration on the subject:
“Bag Lady“, Erykah Badu
“Lively Up Yourself“, Bob Marley