From Whence the Rains Came

Last time I checked in, I Breathed. It’s 2 a.m., and I lie awake, restless, courtesy of a loud, rolling thunder, fretful lightning, and a steady downpour just outside my bedroom window. Mother Nature is anything but nurturing right now.

These early hours are particularly unsettling because I’m thinking about just how much growing up I’ve had to do. I’ve had to confront the pain and hurt that in one way or another has kept me from my best self, and work in earnest to put those feelings in their rightful place – out of my life or behind me – to move forward in more authentic and meaningful ways. I’ve had some help doing that, but mostly, I had to commit to doing the work. I had to put on my “big girl panties”, and have some real talk on more than one occasion. I had to make some tough decisions that forced me to honor personal and shared family goals that I’ve insisted all along, were of the utmost importance. These decisions made it difficult to reconcile the internal conflict between what I want versus what I need. My emotions say one thing; my rational self says yet another.

In doing the “me” work, I had to revisit hard lessons, and consider owning the choices and tradeoffs of choosing one path versus another. In my choosing, I would have to be accountable for my role in the possible outcomes. Doing nothing was no longer an option! The little girl could no longer ride shotgun. This time, I would have to get in the driver’s seat and acknowledge behaviors and habits that kept me from growing.

Question: Do you try to resuscitate the good in people who are just bad for you? I previously struggled with maintaining relationships that are toxic and incongruent with where I’m going. Now I’ve decided that I will not take along dead weight for a ride on this fantastic journey. Not today! I now have to release the expectations that I have of some folks, no matter the relation, or amount of time that I’ve “known” or invested in them, if I want to keep moving forward. As harrowing and maturing as this decision has been, it’s been nothing short of life-saving.

This lesson comes with a note of caution, however: “Objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they seem. Although you think you’ve put those people and situations behind you, remember that it’s difficult to ignore the tendency to take a second look when they pop up. So, keep your foot on the gas and keep your eyes on the road!”

Keep sweet. I think the rain has stopped. 🙂

Musical Inspiration:
– Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain

11 thoughts on “From Whence the Rains Came

  1. OMG, I just loved the “big girl panties” part! Hilarious and so true at the same time.

    We ladies have tough choices in life. It always amazes me how my friends handle this with such grace and dignity, as you have.

    When I hear about toxic relationships I can’t help but think of 2 family members who are drunks, and crazy to boot. After my aunt and grandma (the peacekeepers) died, these two were unbridled in inviting family together only to insult everyone and act like hypocrites the entire visit.

    After trying to fufil the role of peacekeeper, I eventually gave up and went with the theme of “sic them on each other”. I say find an emergency bunker and hide until they turn around and leave.

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  2. We’re in the same geographical area so I’ve noticed (and my Kitty is scared of) the copious noise and flashes of light. I’m sorry they sparked your headache. Storms help me sleep.

    “Objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear; although you’ve put those people and/or situations in perspective, you can’t altogether eliminate the tendency to give them a second look when they pop up. So, keep your foot on the gas and keep your eyes on the road!” Those words illustrate a lot of what’s been happening to me lately and how I wish I could deal with it better. Life struggles bring up more and more those things I thought I’d dealt with already, and their proximity feels so shocking that sometimes it shuts me down until I can gather more strength to fight them once more, along with whatever new or escalating awfulness brought them out again.

    I’m glad you’re dealing with yours, friend. I’m trying to deal with mine, too.

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    1. Good morning LadySparks,

      Know that I want the best for you, and am with you in Spirit, rooting for you all the way as you blaze your path. I don’t think that there’s any perfect way for us to deal with those rearview appearances other than through the “repetitive questioning” (Danielle LaPorte talks about this in the “Fire Starter Sessions”), and the process of re-affirmation. Sometimes, visual reminders are also helpful. The inclination to backpedal on our declarations for wellness is a real one, hence the necessity of community, no matter how small. I’m thankful for this connection, my friend.

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