January 2011 – Page 2 – Life As An Art Form

Life

It’s All PurposeFULL!

01/14/201101/14/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)1 Comment

Ever asked “why”, “why me, or “why now”? Of course you have, as has anyone who is truly living. We go through things in life that leave us dumbfounded, speechless, at a loss. We find ourselves having more questions than answers. No amount of schooling or living seems to have prepared us for the moment that seems so ambiguous, so vague, so meaningless, so incongruous with what we’ve witnessed, experienced, or ever anticipated thus far. We struggle to find answers and make sense of the moment, thinking that perhaps after a good night of sleep, it will all be clear. Joy comes in the morning, right? Well yes, but that’s just part of it.

I’m not here to convince you that everything will make sense, or that somehow the lightbulb will instantly light up amidst your tragedy, loss, suffering, or other life event not necessarily defined by loss, but perhaps by rejection of some sort. However, I do believe wholeheartedly that, in the final analysis, it all serves a purpose, whether by design or default. The stars do line up, and the epiphanies and discoveries do follow…in time. Eventually.

The purpose seems to be that of self-actualization. Ultimately, amidst our grieving and coping, our tearful cries and quiet whispers, our rage and tranquility, and our futility and fortitude, we find a stronger voice. We learn something about ourselves, that until now was undefinable, undiscovered, and certainly underdeveloped. We discover gifts within us, tap into amazing coping abilities, learn humility – how can we not be humbled by the order and timing of things – assume unparalleled strength, and dispel myths that we once believed to be true.

Just when we think that we can take no more, we find ourselves morphing from fragile to uncompromising. We transcend beyond our situation and become faces of hope, as we share our stories of triumph. We conquer our situations as we are forced to go within. We transcend our circumstances by finding consolation and comfort in the knowledge that many have come before us that have endured far worse, and managed to make it through. We find our resilience as the carpets of comfort are pulled from beneath us. As we reach out and across, we learn that we don’t have to go it alone, and we learn to finally understand the meaning of community, and its necessity. In the process, we redefine our networks. Lines of friendship and family become blurred in the process, but we find amazing clarity in the truth that we must connect…with each other, and are not designed to suffer in silence, or rely on our own wit to get us through the situation.

In the end, we learn to love more authentically. Our need to open up trumps our desire to retreat into our shells during our most difficult moments. Our dissatisfaction, disappointment, displeasure, disengagement, disenchantment with half-fulfilled hopes, and dislocated hurt, anger, and pain brings us to our knees, while we are forced to acknowledge that we are in need of a personal touch, an affirming voice, and an encouraging heart. This is when we know we are growing, becoming our truer selves. We are actualizing, becoming connected. Yes!

As we become unglued from our own seats of seeming security, from the places which we sometimes occupied for too long in our roles…as parent, wife, husband, or lover, son or daughter, and even employee, we find freedom in the expression of our most sincere feelings, joy in the liberation from not having to do it all, and light in the exposure of all that once remained suppressed. We emerge victoriously and assuredly, albeit through some very painful processes and lessons. This is especially true if we live with the acknowledgment that life is trying to teach us something. In turn, we become whole, grounded, humble, resilient, uncompromising (where it counts), resourceful, and confident. We become ourselves, as we were designed to be!

Life

Speak up, Already!

01/12/201101/14/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)Leave a Comment

Why does it always take some mad act to happen for us to then have courage – to speak up or do something?

For instance, this recent example of Jared Lee Loughner, who shot to kill Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, and killed and injured several others outside a Safeway shopping center in Tucson, Arizona. For the love of God, when will these crazy dudes (sorry gentlemen, so far, it has been mostly male characters) like Loughner be detected, apprehended, and treated (if necessary) for their lunatic ravings, and wicked motivations before they carry out their premeditated plans to destroy life, and snuff out democracy as we know it?

Unlike those looking to blame the ‘political climate’ in America for what this man did, I blame the systems that allow for the kind of behaviors, leading up to a tragedy (usually a public one), to go largely unchecked. I blame the institutional -isms, and the pervasive bystander mentality among those, who in turn protect sinister characters hellbent on having things their way, and no other way, especially when it means the progression of society as a whole. Sadly enough, I am of the belief that had Loughner been of a darker hue – Middle Eastern, Jewish, African-American, African, a woman, even, displaying the same behaviors – he would have been Big Brother’d to the N^thdegree, COINTELPRO style. Undetected individuals like him always end up committing beyond-violent acts, then they cop-out on an insanity plea or turn the gun on themselves. Real freedom fighters, right? So much for self-preservation.

To me, it’s like the anti-abortion activists who stand outside abortion clinics. They believe they have a right to beat a woman down, as she exits the clinic, perhaps making the most regretful and significant decision of her life, up to that moment, because they think that every life conceived has a right to life, regardless of the circumstance. In a sick, twisted way, they really believe that promoting their pro-life agenda is justified, even if it means taking a life.

These are the individuals whose names need to appear on a “watch list”, along with their audiences – those bystander “cheerleaders”, the biggest silent partners in all of this – who give quiet permission to an these antics and beliefs of superiority and entitlement. For the mother who needs twenty extra minutes of sleep, silence is golden. In circumstances like these, however, silence is downright deadly!

While I’d love to elevate the level of discourse to one of civility, I am more than aghast about this latest score of premeditated violence, and I am coming up short in the euphemism department. While many are focusing on the mental health component of it, I see a lot more wrong with it, and I simply don’t have a lot of lofty language to cradle this one. No pun intended. Seriously.

I know that we must move beyond examining the causes of such a heinous act, and move to a discussion of “what now?” We can analyze and psycho-analyze this all day, but this approach would be hardly preventive. Therefore, I’m begging the question of how we protect society at large, from those individuals that feel that they should go to any lengths to demonstrate their intolerance for what they simply won’t accept; same-sex marriages or unions, political differences, progression of women in public ranks, or the countless efforts of those seeking to enhance the dialogue across gender, racial, and political lines.

For one, we can start on an individual level. Inarguably, everyone has the right to freedom of speech, but it doesn’t mean that we have to listen to nonsense. We are also free to not be part of that conversation. We can denounce these -isms head-on when we hear and see them. We can teach our children love and compassion. We can choose to not follow the crowd, or ride the tidal waves of intolerance or hate. I insist that we become more watchful and discerning, and further disassociate ourselves from behaviors and groups that willfully exclude, or passively permit the exclusion of a few, on the basis of race, politics, gender, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs. Furthermore, we can trust our intuition when we feel uneasy, or recognize behaviors and language, that is off-putting, senseless, or rooted in a dogged determination to exact more evil than good. We can and should make some noise! Run. Tell. That!

Children

Our Children: Are They Really Better Off?

01/10/201101/14/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)Leave a Comment

These days, I find myself running interference for any of my children at any given point. Although the bickering is sometimes nonstop, I wouldn’t trade the healthiness in their voices, or the lilt in their laughter, and certainly not their successful attempts at humoring each other, for anything. Heck, they make me laugh! Okay, maybe I would trade an evening of all that “noise” for a quiet day in a shady spot on the beach, under the Antiguan sun, with a favorite book, and a tall rum punch. Nice, eh? For now, whatever time I can steal will have to do.

Though I’d rather have peace and quiet when the bewitching hours roll around on a weekday (take your pick between 4:00 and 9:00 pm), I find myself making a conscientious effort to stop myself from corralling them with a lasso. It takes every fiber of me to restrain myself when I witness crayons, toys, paper, and more paper, spread across the kitchen table, yet again! Don’t mention the spills or half-eaten plates of food on the table.

As I seek to create some semblance of order, I bark orders at my little ones to take better care of their things, and encourage them to think of those less fortunate children who would be well pleased with just half of the meal that they’re having tonight. I’m sure that this wouldn’t be the first time you’ve heard the “You Guys Have So Much More Than We Did” refrain. How many lectures are sufficient to demonstrate that our children are more blessed than us, and certainly more than some of their peers in other regions and countries worldwide? But are they really?

While I don’t romanticize my childhood, I’m sure that most would agree with me that life was much simpler then. I now recall that in my first home as I knew it – my grandparents’ home – seldom a child could be found playing inside during the daytime hours. As far as my granny was concerned, inside was for sleeping, cooking, and doing constructive things like sewing, or listening to an occasional radio program (we had no TV). In my tropical climate, the sun danced right outside the window, and beckoned us outdoors year-round. We played outside mostly, in the yard, in front of, and behind the house, in spaces marking the separation between our home and that of our neighbors. With the exception of my grandmother being in the kitchen for preparing meals, the house was quiet while we did things that children did – discovered, explored, experimented, made believe, played tag, jumped rope, and invented new uses for common, but obscure items that we would find throughout the course of the day. We convened for dinner, and cleared out when it was over. Perhaps there wasn’t enough conversation? (That’s an entirely separate topic.)

I sometimes angst about whether I am raising my children up right. All I got was What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but no amount of prenatal visits could prepare me for this. Everything else was useless! When it comes to the most difficult job of raising children, it isn’t so much about winning the “Parent of the Year” award, but about building a legacy for your children, and the children of the communities in which you live, and creating a more harmonious place in which we can all live more peacefully.

Are we teaching our children: resourcefulness – how to find what they need, and use what they already have to create their own solutions; responsibility – for creating and shaping their own outcomes; restraint – in exercising self control and desires that override their own moral compass; and lastly, respect – for themselves, those they claim to love, their elders, their community, and their world?

I believe that these were, and still are the fundamentals. If we continue to indulge our children, with the goal of surpassing our own childhood, or giving them what we believe we didn’t have, I hope that we first acknowledge what we did have, and build our legacy from there. We can deal with what was amiss, awry, or absent for the sake of healing and moving forward; however, too long a pause at that layover will keep us stuck on stupid, furthermore inhibiting our ability to effectively parent. We cannot be successful in creating a new reality for our children without referring to the gemstones of our own childhood, because whether we like it or not, they inform our own instinctive nature as parents.

Lest we forget, our children will certainly not be better off. When all else is stripped away – the material possessions, and all effects of their personal and professional accomplishments – will you be proud of what remains at the core? Will you be able to say that you did a better job, or as good a job, of raising children, that will in turn, become more well-adjusted, balanced, grounded, vocal, and compassionate? And, will your children be better off for the experience?

Raising Emotionally Healthy Children (everydayhealth.com)

Life

Focus on the Now!

01/07/201101/14/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)Leave a Comment

Image via Wikipedia

This morning, I am resisting the urge to multi-task. I’ve gathered many an injury, as of late, doing just that – holding my toddler on one hip, both arms loaded with bags, and pushing the storm door open with my right heel, all within the 20 seconds remaining before the alarm is engaged. “Alarm on!” Yes, ring the alarm, and slow it down a bit!

I am so used to having more than one pot on the fire – literally and figuratively. Somehow, I think it will just take too long to do one thing at a time. So this morning, while I’m writing, I’m resisting the urge to check email, the weather, and Facebook, all at the same time. Trust me, this is a real challenge to my self-diagnosed ADD behind! (Hey, there will be no LOLing here!) 🙂

I am in the present, in the now, and except for the occasional sip of coffee that I’m taking, I’m fully committed to completing this morning’s post. I’m going to conscientiously try this exercise a few times today, because I am hoping for increased clarity, and enhanced productivity in the fewer things that I’ll attempt, rather than mediocrity that is certain if I attempt too much.

Gotta dash! This exercise can only last so long. How do you focus on the now?

Life

Breathe Easy!

01/05/201101/20/2011by Avril Somerville (SomerEmpress)1 Comment

I was physically exhausted last night. After a short night of sleep (remember I said I only need 5-6 hours? Well, I got even less). I had a good reason. I was up rather late, writing away. Once that stream of consciousness begins, it’s hard to derail it, so I just go with the flow. And heck, what good does it do to fight it? I used to get frustrated about not yet having an entire novel, or any book for that matter, at the ready in the event that an agent, whom I’ve never met or contacted (does s/he even exist?) should call me. Right! I doubt that it ever happens that way.

Lately, however, I’ve accepted the notion that life unravels on its own terms, and that the waves of interruptions are just that – steady and certain, sure to come. Instead, I’m learning to brace myself for the detours, and “make the time” for writing, listening, and processing the vivid thoughts or metaphors that are revealed to me during the quiet and sometimes not-so-quiet, but reflective moments. Sometimes, I even “steal” the time from my task-list. I forgo the desire to respond to every phone call or solicitation to participate in every school activity, or run that additional errand. I’m learning to avoid the notion of “keeping it all together” by having every corner cleaned, load washed, and meal prepared (nutritious ones, at that). Sometimes, there’s this great tendency to keep everything straight-laced when you’re home. After all, you’d hate folks thinking that all you do is watch TV and eat Bon-Bons while you’re home. Though it can be said that I can de-compress more and probably simply choose to do nothing at times, my life hardly includes those moments.

So now, when I get the urge to engage in mindless TV viewing, including the news and silly vices like reality TV (the latest one being The Real Housewives of Atlanta), I pass it up, acknowledging that it does nothing but shrink my brain cells – fast – and choose instead to write something…anything. I tell myself that if there’s “breaking news” that is that important, I will learn of it somehow. I even relish the opportunity to edit, write Thank-You notes, editorial responses, and short letters. It gives me a chance to express myself like only writing can. At this time, there is simply nothing more urgent, and I am much more attuned to that need.

Also, I take comfort in knowing that many of my favorite authors did not have public lives as authors until they were good and grown, like me! I suppose that you haven’t lived or experienced a whole lot that anyone else wants to hear about. Probably better said is that, it isn’t until we have lived several experiences, and witnessed various defining or life-changing/ shaping moments, do we have the wisdom, words, or literary prowess to apply and communicate in a way that a reader would enjoy, and more importantly in a voice that is uniquely ours. I take courage and comfort in that. Look at J. California Cooper, for example, and the late Bebe Moore Campbell. And though Dr. Maya Angelou traveled worldwide, and had done a multiplicity of things, the world did not know of her as a novelist until she published her first novel, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings when she was 42! So I think I have a headstart, and now I have many examples of great authors (published and non-) before me. How can I go wrong? The agent will soon come – at the right time, no less – but in the meantime, just writing more will suffice.