It’s Day 4 of my youngest child being sick with what looks like a wicked virus, or stomach infection. Hopefully, she turns the corner today because she’s quickly becoming a poster child for Huggies Pull-ups. She’s become very clingy, so I’m on borrowed time, even as I type. The last few nights have been punctuated by frequent changes of diapers and full clothing. I’m awaiting the next explosion, so I’m going to try to get this in before the thoughts escape me. 🙂
I’ve been mulling over my last post, titled “It’s ALL PurposeFULL“. In that article, I explored the questions that we often have regarding the mysterious nature of the life-changing events in our lives, including “Why?”, “Why me?”, and “Why Now?” My goal then was to provide assurance that we ultimately become better and fuller selves as a result of the more difficult, inexplicable events that occur in our lives. This isn’t to say that we should have to experience loss, tragedy, or hardship to self-actualize, but rather that, the occurrence of these situations in our lives wisen us and enhance our potential to live and love more authentically.
Perhaps I took you to the conclusion a bit too quickly, without letting you in on the middle of the “journey”. While I will never share with you sordid or personal details, or provide you with a blow-by-blow account of the events in my life that shape those truths (certainly not in a blog forum), I can tell you that during those moments in which I questioned the mystery of life, and God himself, I often felt alone, misunderstood, isolated. My faith and hope seemed to be shaken, lacking, questionable. To this day, I will maintain that it was not the actual death of a loved one that shook me the most. Unlike many, when my grandmother (my first true mother) passed away, I had an amazing sense of peace and understanding. As she neared the end of her life, she agonized over increasing physical pain and articulated on numerous occasions the gratitude that she had for a life well-lived. My grandmother believed wholeheartedly that she would be in a better place. Her death was only physical to me. I maintain a relationship with her that most would not understand. I miss her dearly at times, but most times, I feel that she is with me.
I have had other losses that bore a sharper sting than I could have ever imagined. Those jarred me to the core, leaving me to question where I went wrong, and whether this was some sort of karma. What was life trying to teach me? I grew jealous and bitter as I witnessed others around me, realizing the very dreams that I thought were mine just for the asking. At that time, I could not see a plausible explanation for any of it. It seemed that my dreams were always on hold, always waiting in the wings, but for some reason or the other, it wasn’t quite time for them to materialize.
Fast forward to the “now”. I wouldn’t change it for the world! My past experiences, good and bad, have launched me right where I am now. In this very moment, I can be a source of encouragement for those that have gone through similar situations. More importantly, my soul continues to heal as I share the stories with others, especially wives, mothers, and daughters. I come alive as I reveal the anguish of that difficult moment, and share the joy in knowing what I believe that moment was designed to teach me.
By the way, I’ve been hurled on once (good thing I wasn’t making a hat at the time), and performed two additional diaper changes since I started! It’s going to be a long, but beautiful day! It can only get better. 🙂